We left the wild things to their own devices in Connecticut and returned to Florida August first. Road weary after the three day drive, we were keen to unpack and join our friends at Prezzo’s for Happy Hour. Unfortunately, Horror Hour preempted Happy Hour. All was not as we had left it. During our absence, squatters had taken up residence. And what a mess they made. Coffee grounds were everywhere. There was a thick mounded trail of grit leading down the hall, across the living room, to the sliding doors that open onto the lanai. I’ve heard the stories of parents, who have returned early from vacation, to find a house full of partying teenagers trashing their home, but have never heard tales of caffeinated, crazed raves. Who throws coffee grounds around when the grown-ups are gone? Ants! That’s who. It wasn’t finely ground coffee beans littering the floor; each tiny speck was moving. Hells Bells! I screamed for Mr. Bill to stand back as I attacked the invaders with broom and mop. I love all God’s creatures and treat them with respect, but this, THIS, was a bridge too far! There were no gentle words exchanged between species and certainly no humane catch and release. There is a delicate balance between man and beast and this home invasion tipped the scales.

Mr. Bill and I have loved getting to know Florida’s unique critters. Geckos and frogs amuse us. I carefully trap wayward lizards and amphibians when they trespass and return them to their proper environment. Mr. Bill is fond of the funky sand hill cranes and reports on each new addition to the flock. He has also learned to let alligators play through on the golf course. Likewise, I give way to alligators and snakes when biking, but shame on me, I will give no quarter to ants. While I pursued the columns of invading bugs in a frenzy, Mr. Bill calmly called for reinforcements- the brave folks at Core Pest Control.

As promised, bright and early the next morning, the calvary arrived. If our cheerful exterminator was shocked by the carnage, he was too polite to mention it. Apparently, summer is the season that teeny, tiny, 1.3 mm ghost ants come in from the rain and we could rest assured, that this was not a targeted attack by rogue insects. Our hero, Frederick, though he prefers Unsung Warrior, wasted no time in shoring up our fortress. Methodically he began spraying, working through the house and garage, before moving on to address the perimeter of the lanai, where the attacking army had breached our first line of defense. Eying the sorry state of our neglected patio plants, I complained that while the ants were here, they could have at the very least, watered the plants. Nodding in agreement, Frederick replied, “free loading a******* “. Whoa, language! However, as I doubled over laughing, I had to admit, he was spot on.

Oh, those poor misguided ants had got it all wrong. Had they never sung, The Ants Go Marching? Every child knows, that the verses of the counting chant end with, “down into the ground to get out of the rain, boom, boom, boom”. How could we turn these directionally challenged ants around? I know. I will ask Mr. Bill to learn the music: then when it rains (which is every afternoon) he can play his guitar and serenade them, just like the Pied Piper. That ought to solve the problem nicely. If the song isn’t an earworm already, the words are below. Please join us for a sing along and help us send these freeloaders, down into the ground to get out of the rain. Boom, Boom, Boom, BOOM!

The Ants Go Marching– sung to the tune of the civil war song, When Johnny Comes Marching Home by Patrick Gilmore 1863

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching one by one,

The little one stops to suck his thumb

and they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching two by two, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching two by two,

The little one stops to tie his shoe

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching three by three, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching three by three, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching three by three,

The little one stops to climb a tree

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching four by four, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching four by four, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching four by four.

The little one stops to shut the door

And they all go marching down into the ground,

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching five by five, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching five by five, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching five by five,

The little one stops to touch a hive

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching six by six, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching six by six, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching six by six

The little one stops to puck up sticks

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM. BOOM!

The ants go marching seven by seven, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching seven by seven, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching seven by seven

The little one stops to pray to heaven

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching eight by eight, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching eight by eight, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching eight by eight,

The little one stops to shut the gate

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching nine by nine, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching nine by nine, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching nine by nine,

The little one stops to check the time

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!

The ants go marching ten by ten, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching ten by ten, hurrah, hurrah

The ants go marching ten by ten

The little one stops to shout, “THE END”

And they all go marching down into the ground

To get out of the rain, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!